Rock Me Gently!

Andy Kim (Neil Diamond's vocal twin) singing Rock Me Gently - love this song! Reminds me of what runs through one's head, when making love to a virgin.

Question for you, the reading audience, (I'm kidding myself here - no one reads this blog!): Am I the only lesbian that watched the Miss America Pageants with her father? Our eyes glued to the television, father and daughter, grinning away, while mom is in the other room, basking in all of her disgust?

Dad, "Damn it! My woman is out! She's out!" Pounding his hairy fist on the recliner's arm rest while watching the pageant in his boxer shorts and white v-neck t-shirt.

Paula, "It's okay, pick another one! Hurry up and pick another one, dad!" Sitting on the floor and leaning back against the raised, brick, fireplace hearth. Wearing shorts and a t-shirt while sipping on my drink of choice, a Mt. Dew.

Dad, loudly sighs, draws in a slow, long breath and considers his options. After a few moments of silence, "Miss. Georgia, she's my new woman, Paula" he proudly announces.

The talent portion finally arrives and yes..., each and every woman left is going to sing. "Dad, why must they all sing? Surely these lovely ladies have some other talent that can separate them from the pack, don't you think?"

Dad, "Well..., what do you want them to do..., you know..., besides sing?" Looking at me with his heavily wrinkled face, cleft chin and hazel eyes. (Its true, I inherited his cleft chin and hazel eyes.) Did I ever tell you, that my father looks exactly like BUSH, when he was that age. Yes..., it gives me a total case of the creeps every time I see BUSH on television. My father's twin, that possesses my father's lack of education, hatred for everyone that isn't a WASP and his exact, short sided, self involved, big business political beliefs!

Paula, "I don't care..., anything! She would win my vote, if she simply brought out her Hot Wheels collection and showed it off! She could make balloon animals, breath fire, or..., or..., see how many bacon cheese burgers she could devour in, lets say..., three minutes!"

Dad, "Jesus Christ, Paula! These women don't eat bacon cheese burgers!" Mom loudly huffs, once again, from her perch in the dining room, which is a floor above the den and separated by stained, oak railing. Sitting in a thick cloud of cigarette smoke and staring out the window.

Neither one of our women won any of the Miss America Pageants. Dad always choose the one with the largest breasts and I choose the woman that looked more like an average woman instead of a thin, long legged, overly made up, beauty contestant. Another requirement of mine was that they could answer the "question" with some form of intelligence and thoughtfulness. Brains are a must for this lesbian!

So..., you and I are wondering..., why in the hell..., am I discussing the Miss America Pageant at 9:30 in the morning! I have absolutely no idea! Where did this memory come from - right out of the blue like that? Maybe, because its one of the few, pleasurable memories I have of my father.

Neil Diamond - Brooklyn Roads, Be, Play Me

I can't help but tear up every time I listen to Neil Diamond. He was one of my mother's favorite artists. I grew up listening to Neil..., his beautiful voice, the music and his lyrics..., playing over and over again in our house. When mom would put on his music and the song would begin to play - I swear - she became a totally different woman. One that I could love, admire and respect. However; once the music stopped - the dream was over and the overwhelming hate that consumed her entire body, would readily take over again. It was as if, for those brief moments while Neil sang, that a real loving, understanding woman, would temporarily take over her body. She would become the mother that I never had, never knew and desperately needed in my young life.

Simon and Garfunkel - Bridge Over Troubled Water

When M., was a senior, she sang Bridge Over Troubled Water, with her entire choir. That was my mother's favorite song and I sat there beside Babe, in tears, during the entire time the young, collective voices sang. Just like when she passed, I grieved for what could have been - what should have been - I did not morn the mother, that I knew, all too well. At that point in my life, when she died, my parents were no longer speaking to their "out" daughter. They had lovingly adopted one of my ex-girlfriends who was stuffed deep, deep into the proverbial "closet," as well as, her girlfriend!

So..., I got the call late in the evening, from my ex-girlfriend, none the less, to tell me that my mother had passed away. Why didn't they call me when they took her to the emergency room, early that same morning? Because my father HATED me that much and so did my mother! Nearly 14 hours had gone by before they worked up enough nerve..., to call me and give me the news. 14 hours! 14 fucking, long hours passed by and they couldn't call me! Thank you so much, for robbing me of the opportunity to say goodbye to my mother, face to face, daughter to mother! I will never forget that you both, my father and my ex-girlfriend, couldn't work up the decency, to give me a simple phone call, when you arrived at the emergency room! I will never forget the anger I felt, and still feel to this day, when I think about the fact that neither of them bothered to call me. Could this be an indication - or reaffirmation - of why neither of you are included in my life? I know you are both of the same birth sign - both filled with bitterness, hatefulness; simply a male version and a female version of the same revenge seeking, always looking for the perfect opportunity to knock someone down a notch, person!

And yes, R., my - what you so skillfully called, "overly fat bitch with 3 kids" wife was there, her hand clutched in mine, as she wiped the tears off of my cheeks, as you and I spoke on the phone that evening. My wife is the one, that so lovingly, patiently and carefully, picked up all the little shattered pieces of my heart that were laying on the beige carpet of our home, held them securely in her very strong hands and put them back together for me! My wife, "the uneducated, fat hick," and three children, were the ones that witnessed the vast range of emotions that I went through in the following weeks. They were the ones that dried my eyes when I cried, listened to me shout words of anger, and reiterate time and time again - that this type of thoughtless behavior is exactly why they were never going to meet my parents! They listened as I explained to them, that I loved them enough, not to subject them to additional hatred, ridicule and belittlement - because the world is already filled with that kind of ridiculous behavior and they didn't need an additional dose from either of my parents. And yes..., sweet R., my "round, ugly blimp" wife held me each night, wrapped up in her loving arms, while I cried myself to sleep!

My wife, the woman that you absolutely loath, is the only person, the sole person, that helped me get passed the overwhelming anger that I felt! And don't think for one moment - that she wasn't livid herself! She immediately recognized the "number" you and my father did on me - and guess what - she never mentioned revenge once - you know why - because she is a far better woman than you are and would never consider something so ludicrous as seeking revenge to solve one's own problems! That is precisely why I turned down your proposal..., left you and found a real woman. One that has a gigantic heart, loving soul and has more intelligence than your Doctorate degree will ever provide you with! She knows how to love and be loved - unconditionally, period!

I thank God daily for giving me the opportunity to share my live with my loving wife.