Old Lovers

Heart - Crazy On You, Magic Man

So..., the spilled, broken, product wafting into the thick, dim air was nothing less than powdered tea flavored with raspberries. In my mouth, my hair, all over my t-shirt and shorts - it smelled bad and tasted even worse, as I mistakenly licked my lips. I tell you what, it was a hell of a lot better than jar after jar of broken bar-b-que sauce, ranch dressing or salsa. Those three smells can quickly become overwhelming in 100 degree heat. However, rotten, spoiled canned pet food is by far the worst!

The first time I saw Heart in concert was entirely by accident. My first lover and I had decided to drive from Lubbock, Texas where we were attending Texas Tech University, to Six Flags Over Texas. Two young women, loud music, driving wildly in my white, 1982 Camero with navy blue interior. Yes..., I had the shiniest set of chrome mags and the derriere was lifted up thanks to a great set of air shocks! Damn - I loved that car - always will. Anyway, drove all night and were two of the first people in the gates. Yep..., Heart was scheduled to give a concert that night, little did we know, so..., you better believe it, we bought tickets to the concert. As a couple, we looked like Mutt and Jeff, since she was eight inches taller than myself. Her ego was even taller than that - she was a complete bad ass and literally strutted around, in all of her long legged glory. Like two complete twits, we decided to make the long treck home that same night. After being pulled over for driving too slow (because neither of us could stay awake) we decided to pull into a rest stop. Yep..., we stretched out on the long, sleek, sexy hood of my Camero and went to sleep; warmed by the engine's heat. STUPID STUPID STUPID - looking back, two girls asleep on the hood of a Camero at a trucker's rest stop. Damn..., wonder we weren't killed.

Anyway, we moved to Austin, Texas and finished out our college years at Southwest Texas State University in San Marcos, Texas. She became a police officer and a very rough woman. Guns all over the house gave me a complete case of the creeps. Her temper began to spiral out of control; threw me across the bathroom because I hadn't french braided her hair just perfectly for work. Yep..., that one toss across the bathroom was the first and last toss of our relationship. It was immediately over for me - at that very moment! I'm ashamed to say that I got up off of the floor, stepped over to her and promptly belted her in the chest. She fell straight backwards into the bathtub with one surprised look on her face. Damn near broke my hand - she had her bullet proof vest on underneath her uniform - smashed my ring right onto my finger! I have never hit another lover since and I never will again! My behavior was instinctual; however, wrong, wrong, wrong!

Had another lover, years later, and discovered that she too, had a very bad temper. One evening, about two months into the relationship, we were at her house fixing a dish to take over to her sister's house for dinner. I had driven over to her house that Friday, after work, and was standing in the kitchen in my business suite and heels, watching her cook. She was making home made macaroni and cheese. Unfortunately, the macaroni became over cooked, which I mistakenly thought was no big deal. Well..., I was wrong, to say the least! The next thing I knew, the entire pan of macaroni, boiling water and all, was flying through the air in my direction! I screamed and quickly ducked, as the searing mess flew a few inches over my head. Yep..., picked that pan up off of the floor, slammed it down on the stove and said, "You will never see me again!" Grabbed my overnight bag, walked out and never spoke to her again. She came by my house several times after that evening - I left her standing outside the door - never answered it because there isn't any reasonable explanation for that type of behavior that I will ever find acceptable.

About a month later, her sister showed up at my house. (I was dating the wrong sister - too damn bad she was straight!) Her parents had talked her sister into coming over to my house to find out what had happened that evening. So, I invited her inside and over a glass of tea, we discussed what had transpired and her sister's lack of self control. She agreed that her sister had ongoing issues controlling her temper. Then, she relayed that her parents had already become attached to me (the 10 year older, more established and successful in her career, very feminine, potential life partner.) I explained that I already knew, if a temper tantrum of this proportion occurred over something as silly as over cooked macaroni - that it would only be a matter of time, before something much larger and more threatening occurred. I simply wasn't willing to put myself in that position again. I thanked her for stopping by and sent my blessing to her and her family.

I'm laughing hysterically, as I remember this other young woman that I went on a date with once - well..., I went over to her apartment to meet her. She had a very soft, sweet voice on the phone, there were several extended phone conversations between us before I ever went over to her place. In all my naivety, I didn't get the clue, when she talked about riding me around on the back of her motorcycle - I was supposedly wearing some type of red lingerie on this bike ride! I arrived, after wondering around the apartment complex for what seemed like forever, to find a very young, butch. This was my first encounter with a butch, so I didn't really know what to expect. I can tell you that she was wearing a pair of jean shorts and a white, men's take top with no bra. Okay, I can deal with that - no big deal. Then..., she stretched her arms above her head and there were two armpits full of jet black hair! To hide my surprise, I took a long, lllloooonnnnggggg swig of my bottled Mt. Dew. Then, yes..., out of curiosity, I looked at her legs - lots and lots of long, black hair everywhere. I'm sorry..., I think I stood there with my mouth hanging open, for what had to have been, forty-five minutes or so! So, me and all my girliness and her and all her manliness - hmm.... (you have to understand something, I'm a shaving fool of a woman - I shave practically everyday - I had never met another woman that didn't shave her arm pits or legs. Anyway..., after some polite chatting, I decided it was time to go home and yes..., oh yes..., I had locked my keys in my truck! Yep..., she gave me a rid to my parents house to pick up a spare set of keys and yes..., oh Lord yes..., they just about shit when they saw her!

I have met several butch women since then and relayed that story to them - and it provided them with a good laugh about the young, naive woman that I was! The laughter came from some of the kindest, gentlest and manliest women that I have ever met. It's interesting, if you look deep enough inside a rough exterior, you usually find a soft center! Mmm..., just like gewy, yummy caramel covered in layers of chocolate heaven. Personally, I like having the doors held open for me - and - I enjoy holding the doors open for my wife. It's called courtesy and respect - treat others how you want to be treated in return - its a very simple philosophy. If you are dishonest - expect dishonesty in return. You reap what you sow!