Noxema - My Savior!

My wife, who turned 42 on Saturday, wanted to go swimming at the lake today, for her birthday. She is convinced she is 33, as she has been for several years now! "No problem, babe..., sounds like fun to me," I responded. So..., we packed up the cooler with pop, gather the towels, rafts, sandwiches, etc..., and head out the door. We also had our two youngest daughter's with us, K & M, 18 and 20 respectively. All four of us pile in Zoom Zoom (my wife's car; mine is called The Bubble Machine) and proceed to make the 45 minute drive to the lake.

Much to my surprise, there was another lesbian couple that arrived at the same time our family did. It was very hard for me not to exclaim, "Look babe, they are holding hands out on the raft and no one has killed them yet!" You have to understand, we live in the Midwest and you just don't act like a couple unless you want to be tongue lashed, whipped, or worse! Did I mention that I want the hell out of here! I want to move somewhere that we can hold hands and kiss in public. Somewhere that we don't have to turn our wedding bands over so that no one realizes that they are identical to each other. I would like to sit on the same side of the booth as my wife, when we eat out, and still get waited on - instead of sitting there for forty-five minutes, listening to them argue about who will serve the sinning lesbians! I would like to be able to say, "I sure love you, babe," while we are in Wally World and not get sneers from others!

Wake up folks, we don't have a disease that you can catch and there aren't really any toaster ovens given out for converting anyone! My wife, B, tried to conform to traditional beliefs and had 3 children and two failed marriages to men. Then..., she finally decided to come out of the closet and be herself when we met. She was my boss (how hysterical is that!) We dated for two years and when we got married, I inherited 3 little girls who's entire family is extremely prejudice, in general. I don't mind showing public affection and I have always been out of the closet; however, my wife is terribly afraid of what might happen to us if we do and we have the children's safety to consider. So sad, to suppress your feelings for one another out of fear.

I have started begging to move somewhere, anywhere that is accepting of our commitment to each other. We have been together for 10 years and have three daughters (now if that isn't "family," then what is?) And no..., none of our children are lesbians, we don't have sex with children or animals and yes..., yes..., we did take our vows in a church! Our house has been spray painted with ugly words, I have been called every name in the book (after they find out I'm a lesbian - it takes them some time since I'm feminine), and passed over for numerous promotions when I was in the financial industry (even though I have three, 4 year degrees!) "I can't promote you because we are doing God's work here, P.J., and your a..., a..., a!" I remember thinking, that's funny, because I don't remember reading in the bible that God discriminated against anyone because they were a..., a..., a! Maybe I should have asked him which God's work we were busy doing.

My wife is a cancer..., so change is very, very scary to her. I will just be patient and keep pointing out the benefits of moving elsewhere. She responds by saying, "It's too expensive to live where we will be accepted..., we don't make that much money, honey doodles!" And I respond by saying, "Babe, I don't give a damn about how much money we make or don't make..., we can live in a pup tent for all I care! I'm proud to be your wife. I'm sure they will have soup kitchens in XXXXX!" She gets this horrified look on her face (could be because she isn't that fond of soup) and so I just change the subject.

Oh hell..., I think I was on a tangent there for just a moment. Anyway, four sunburned women came home from the lake. Yes..., it is true..., we had participated in the annual, let's see who can get the worst sunburn, competition. I'm olive skinned (Cherokee and Dutch) so I don't really burn that bad - I just get darker and darker; however, K & M and my wife are red, red, red. She woke me up whimpering at around 1:00 AM because she was so uncomfortable! I asked her, "Babe, are you going to be alright? Can I get you some Ibuprofen? More Noxzema? Turn the fan on you? Cold rags? Are you going to throw up? Do you need the trash can? (I'm Sagittarius and we are question asking people..., so I barraged her with questions - one right after the other, as usual!)

Tears in her eyes, "Honey doodles, I hurt eeevvvvvveerrrrryyyywwwwhheerrre!"
I felt so bad for her..., she is not a pansy, so it frightened me somewhat. It's true, at 3:30 AM I made a trip to Wally World in the Zoom Zoom for a Noxzema run. "Get two reeeeaaaallly big jars..., hhhuuuuggggeee ones..., the biggggessst they makkkkeee," she instructed.

I responded, "Okay..., babe..., on my way to Wally right now. I'll be back in a flash!" As I helped her take her t-shirt off and lay back down on the sheets. "Just lay right here, babe and don't move!"

You know what is fantastic about going to Wally at 3:30 in the morning? No one..., absolutely no one is there! So..., I put on one of her t-shirts that fits me like a mini dress, pulled on some jeans, put my hair in a bun and raced out of the house. And yes..., I went to Wally with Noxzema smeared and dried all over my face and in my long, thick brunette hair - and I didn't care. My wife needed a humongous, extra large, gigantic tub of Noxzema and she needed it right then! So..., I didn't make a fashion statement or win any beauty contests; however, I did come home with two tubs of Noxzema! Lathered her up to hell and back, fixed her breakfast, made her lunch for work, ensured she had a plentiful supply of Ibuprofen and prayed that her day will be easy.